Suicide in the Army: We Need To Do More

I write this post as someone who was almost an Army suicide statistic.

I'm not going to write exactly how close I once was to putting my own weapon under my chin, or when precisely it was, or where I was. Those things really aren't important. But I will say that it was a very, very near thing, and it was no thanks to my fellow soldiers that the event actually didn't happen, but thanks to a civilian. I would, however, like to credit 1SG Grisham, of Soldiers Perspective (much as I strongly disagree with him about Brandon Neely), with giving me the idea that talking out about this stuff can someday help other soldiers not be ashamed of these things.

A lot of people elsewhere are trying to put the blame anywhere else but the war, by pointing out that a lot of the soldiers who are successfully killing themselves are not deployed at the time, and some have never been deployed at all. They blame the low standards of soldiers coming into the Army, without wondering why it's happening that way, and ignoring the fact that many of those suicides have spent anywhere from five to fifteen years in the Army. It's not just junior enlisted who can't adjust to the Army who are killing themselves. It's people who feel they can't solve their problems any other way-or people who are too overwhelmed, or suffering too much from PTSD or depression to think clearly.

What they don't understand is that the Army is strained right now-financially, personnel-wise, and skill-wise. We also have a culture of ignoring problems, especially mental health problems.

When I first sought help for mental health, it was after my now ex-husband had threatened the death of myself and my child. I asked my platoon sergeant and I asked my first sergeant for help. Lest anyone assume the lack of help was due to my views on the war, this was before I was a member of IVAW. I was told by my platoon sergeant that things couldn't be as bad as I was making them sound-that I was tough and would be fine. That I was still taking care of my soldiers, and so it couldn't be affecting me as much as I made out. I just needed to "NCO up". My first sergeant told me that if he had "really meant it", he would have already killed me, so it wasn't a significant threat, despite the fact that he had shot at me before.

The Army gives out their own "signs of suicide". They're so cliched that they're almost a joke. Giving away possessions is the one most people remember, and the one I've never seen with any suicide which has happened in any command I've been in. I know I had no impulse to give things away. If I had the clarity of thought to think to give things away, I don't think I would have been that close in the first place. People joke about it all the time. I know I have. If someone gives something away, there's a lot of "Do I need to call the chaplain?"

Here, in my opinion, from observing the people in my units who have killed themselves, and from examining my own thinking process, are the factors which are 'danger signs', factors which lead to 'more likely', and how you can exercise preventive measures before things get to the point that the soldier already has a plan.

1) Feeling hopeless. If you've told a soldier that there is no way that they can fix their problem, you are increasing the chance that they will do something stupid and drastic. After all, if they can't fix the problem through 'sane' means, they may well take to 'crazy' ones. Never, ever, tell a soldier that nothing can be done. Never underestimate a soldier's problem. Even if it seems unimportant to you, pay attention to how important it is to the soldier. Take 'perception is reality' to a new and different level. If they perceive something as life-ending, it may well become so.

2) Denigrating a soldier's mental health problems-even if they themselves are doing so. It's important to remember that there is still a stigma in the Army on mental health problems. That if you have a serious mental health problem, you're someone to be avoided or isolated. So sometimes soldiers will downplay their own problems. "Oh, hah, the mental health folks say I have PTSD...pretty funny, huh?" The important thing at that point is NOT to agree with them. When they ask those questions, they are feeling you out, and trying to make sure that they will not lose your approval and support simply because they are seeing mental health and now have been diagnosed with a mental health disorder. The answer shouldn't be "Yeah, effing shrinks". That only reinforces their belief that no one will understand what's going on. A better response might be something like, "You know, you might want to take that seriously. They're the doctors, they probably know what they're talking about."

3) Treat mental problems like physical problems. I know that they're harder to see, and sometimes that makes them harder to evaluate when it's important to send soldiers to "mental sick call". But a problem in the head which is ignored, just like a problem on the body that is ignored, just gets worse. People that try to "suck it up" because they don't want a profile wind up hurt worse. People that try to "suck it up" mentally because they're not desperate yet are only going to get to a more desperate point, by which point they may not even think of good solutions like going in to get help. If you see a soldier who seems to be having emotional problems or who is starting to have problems functioning (a good soldier who has suddenly shown signs of turning into a dirtbag, for example), it's important to send your soldier to medical to "get checked out". And it's important to do this with the same quickness that you'd send a soldier with, say, a sprained ankle.

4) Taking away a troubled soldier's responsibilities. This may seem counterintuitive-after all, wouldn't you want to lower the stress on a soldier who's already having problems? A lot of commands do this with the absolute best intentions. What they don't realize is that they are taking away a lot of the ties keeping someone from doing something drastic. I have met soldiers who have told me that they would have killed themselves, but they didn't want to let their squad down, as they had an important position and would have been hard to replace. I'm not saying overload soldiers who are already having stress, but giving them tasks or soldiers commeasurate with their ability at the moment is a /good/ idea, not a bad one.

5) Remember that what a soldier is telling you about their problems may often only be the tip of the iceberg, and that 90 percent of an iceberg is below water, and 'invisible'. Someone telling you they're having problems with their wife may not be telling you, "My wife ran off with her fitness instructor, is taking the kids, and telling me I'll never see them again." That's a real example, by the way. I'm not naming names, but no one wanted to ask questions after he got off the phone with his wife and seemed upset, and so he walked out and tried to take himself over a fifty foot drop. We did manage to stop him (barely), but we also could have stopped him after the phone call, just by asking questions to find out what was wrong. A lot of these I learned the hard way.

6) Our overall reluctance to spend money. Soldiers that come in with immediate crises often have to wait weeks for mental health appointments. Referring them out to the civilian economy (at least while not deployed) could get them an appointment that week, and sometimes even that day. But it's hard to get a civilian referral out, even when mental health facilities are intensely overworked.

7) Stop assuming soldiers are faking. I think we need to start looking at this from a different perspective. If you think someone is faking a mental health problem, wouldn't that mean that they probably have some mental health issues in the first place? Sane people having no emotional problems don't decide to randomly fake mental illnesses. So maybe the best place for them /is/ mental health, whether you think they necessarily have a disorder or not. Soldiers that have struggled for whether or not to speak out for a long time, who get shut down the first time they try to share with accusations of faking, are unlikely to reemerge. I also learned this one the hard way. A first sergeant thought one of my soldiers didn't actually have mental illness, but was just a dirtbag. He stopped talking about his problems. At the time, I trusted the superior judgement of my higher up NCOs. I fucked up there as his squad leader-and now he's dead. Sometimes you don't catch them all-but I hope my negative example can help teach others what not to do at least.


If anyone else has any that they've observed, or thought, I'd be happy to include them here.

Update

Yes, I know I've been somewhat off the grid for a while-since getting to my new unit. Allow me to tell you that it's not for any nefarious purposes-I simply have been pretty busy.

My new unit is allowing me a lot more time to actually slow down and take care of myself. Why is this important? Well, as an NCO you get filled with a lot of "take care of your soldiers first" mentality. It's a really good thing-it helps get your joes taken care of and contributes to the effective functioning of the unit. But it only works when the leadership above you also does the same thing. If everyone in the Army did what they were supposed to, and took care of their people, the entire thing would work like a charm. Unfortunately, that's not always the case.

I've been started in something called CPT for my PTSD. Supposedly, it has a high rate of success in reducing the severity of the problem, which would be great. I'm going in with an open mind, and I'll report back to you on how it goes. Unfortunately, it involves something which I believe is known as "exposure therapy", which requires you to reexperience the trauma, a lot, to desensitize you and somehow heal you. I'm not quite sure how it works, but I'm told it will probably make the PTSD worse for a while before it makes it better. This isn't exactly good news for me, because I'm not sure how much worse the woman who's running it is talking about. I've seen some pretty severe PTSD cases, and I hope it doesn't get that bad. The up side, though, is I'm told that once the PTSD gets worked on, a lot of the depression that tends to go along with it will also lift, and it will make me both a more productive and a happier soldier. We'll see.

I'm also trying to do more in the way of education-both my own and of others. For those of you who were unaware, I was a victim of domestic violence while in the military. Which is one of the few trainings the military doesn't do-what it is, and how to recognize it and get help for it. They're starting to, now-I notice a few commercials on AFN about seeking help from Family Advocacy. But at the time I had my problem, domestic violence really wasn't understood very well by leadership, and they blew it off because I didn't fit the profile of the stereotypical battered wife as they understand it.

So I'm going to put out here a few things for leaders and soldiers that may help you recognize some of the signs of domestic abuse that aren't as obvious as bruises on the face:

1) Sudden changes of clothing and/or makeup. Domestic violence is about control-some signs can be that the woman 'gets in trouble' for 'looking too pretty'. If clothing and makeup suddenly become more conservative after a relationship, it could be a warning sign.

2) Sudden changes of friends and associates. Again, domestic violence is a function of control. One of the first major things an abusive partner does is help to cut the victim off from people who could potentially point out a problem or help provide support. This way, when the person is ready to run, they don't have a lot of support to do so. If you see someone systematically cutting off all of their friends, and not seeming too happy about it, it may be something to note.

3) Cutting off from the Army Family. The Army Family, dysfunctional as it may be, offers both a lot of support and a lot of watchful eyes. If you have someone who was formerly very engaged in unit activities who suddenly stops attending after a new relationship or after talking about problems in an existing relationship, it's another potential sign of domestic trouble.

4) Giving up possessions, pets, or things the person formerly used to enjoy, while mentioning that the new partner doesn't like them.


Those obviously aren't complete, and aren't sure signs, but it's my attempt to help show what to be aware of.

New Command: The Honeymoon Period

Well, the 105th has formally deactivated-we even had a ceremony. I'm staying in the area, and I'm in a new unit. I'd talk more about it, but I try not to put too much information out about location. It has nothing to do with people who politically disagree with me, and more to do with a crazy and violent ex-husband who I generally live in some fear of.

That's one of the many things the new unit is trying to help out with-getting some real protection from Mr. "restraining orders are just pieces of paper". They also are working really hard on taking care of the financial issues that were pretty screwed up. They are persistent, which is really nice and amazing and hopeful and encouraging.

At the moment, I love the new unit. I love the way they do PT and I love the way their NCOs interact. I haven't yet met my new first sergeant or commander yet, so there's always a possibility my opinion will change. Still, my platoon sergeant and squad leader seem great, and they did a few of the things I don't expect, but add as little pluses in my book-for example, handing me a useful card with leadership contacts my first day in the unit. Too often the recall roster makes its way in somewhere at week 2. I like their leave policy, which is generous.

My leadership does seem pretty pro-war though, which could become problematic. It depends on if they'll keep integrity or not. Or if they google their soldiers. Or if some enterprising individual thinks it's somehow their business to hunt down my unit and tell them what a dreadful danger I am. I'm sure someone will. Like the sergeant major who's been reading my blog. You know who you are. Yes, this is a major reason why I haven't been posting on AKO lately.

Let the glorious news be spread, The Bush Administration now is dead!

I was going to write an entire joyous piece about how happy I am that Bush is no longer my Commander in Chief, but I'm going to let the following video say it for me.



I watched the inaugeration of the first President that has thrilled me with a speech that I can ever remember. Some choice bits that garnered applause from the folks I watched it with at the post celebratory event..

"Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions -- that time has surely passed."

Or this..

" Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions, who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short, for they have forgotten what this country has already done, what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose and necessity to courage.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them, that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long, no longer apply.

The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works, whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified.

Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end.

And those of us who manage the public's knowledge will be held to account, to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day, because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government."

And my favorite part:

"As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals.

Our founding fathers faced with perils that we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations.

Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake."

Goodnght, everyone. I'll be celebrating a commander in chief I feel safe putting the heart of America in the hands of.

Welcome New IVAW Deployed Member Blog

Alright...I promised a pimping and a pimping it is. Alright everyone, here is the newest member of the milblogging community and also the IVAW blogging community. I won't give his name, of course, but he's an IVAW member currently deployed to Iraq, and like other IVAW members who've been there, he's decided that one of the great things to do is to write about it.

Iraqi Bizzare

Go there, show him some love.

Would You Like Some Perspective With That?

Something that I've come to with age is the realization that things are not black and white. That also includes things and people and positions that we align ourselves with. Too often we're encouraged not to talk about them-I'm told that for the sake of the anti-war movement, I shouldn't talk about disagreements in it.

This is nothing but blatant hypocrisy. If you're going to be telling soldiers that they should be able to feel safe speaking out against the camouflage wall of silence in the military, I think you need to be telling peace activists that it's also okay to speak out against the tie-dyed wall of silence in the peace movement.

Emerson has some interesting words about those who have become bound by communities as surely as anything else:

"Well, most men have bound their eyes with one or another handkerchief, and attached themselves to some one of these communities of opinion. This conformity makes them not false in a few particulars, authors of a few lies, but false in all particulars. Their every truth is not quite true. Their two is not the real two, their four not the real four: so that every word they say chagrins us and we know not where to begin to set them right. Meantime nature is not slow to equip us in the prison uniform of the party to which we adhere. We come to wear one cut of face and figure, and acquire by degrees the gentlest asinine expression. There is a mortifying experience in particular, which does not fail to wreak itself also in the general history; I mean "the foolish face of praise", the forced smile which we put on in company where we do not feel at ease, in answer to conversation which does not interest us. The muscles, not spontaneously moved but moved by a low usurping willfulness, grow tight around the outline of the face, with the most disagreeable sensation."

I'm going to practice this courage by speaking out not just about the problems in the military and with the war, but also the problems with individuals with blinders on.

I believe that the war in Iraq is wrong. It was unnecessary, illegal, and it hurts America. That's why I'm a member of IVAW, Iraq Veterans Against the War. But that does not make the insurgency right. The insurgency is not noble. They are not, as some would have you believe, just like the Americans fighting the British for their freedom. This isn't a popular opinion, because many peace activists fear that by talking about the evils of the insurgency, we'll arouse sympathy for the war. Some even call it 'racist', saying that they don't have the right to 'defend themself'.

This is morally disingenuous. The Iraqi insurgency bears little similarity to our revolutionary fighters. Our revolutionary fighters never went around cutting off people's heads, or killing women for talking to soldiers, or throwing acid in children's faces. We didn't target civilians in the revolutionary war. They weren't full of religious fundamentalists-and since when has the activist community supported religious fundamentalists?

We do not have to beatify evil men in order to say that the war is wrong, or that it hurts America, or our military, or our national defense, or even that it hurts innocents. And any peace activist that mourns and condemns the death of Iraqis while refusing to mourn and condemn the death of soldiers is a hypocrite.

I remember once holding a fellow soldier as he cried about the young kid he had to kill because the kid was aiming a weapon at the soldiers. It's a terrible thing. Is it the soldier's fault? No, it's not. It's whoever put a weapon of lethal force in the hands of a child and told them to go hunting Americans. And we have to condemn that equally as much as we have to condemn the officer who gives the order that there is a free-fire zone in effect. We cannot pick and choose.

I would like to end this post with the following:

I condemn the war in Iraq, and politician's willingness to sacrifice innocent lives.
I condemn the insurgency in Iraq, and their willingess to sacrifice innocent lives.
I condemn anyone who would try to whitewash evil for the sake of political expediency.
I condemn anyone who thinks that the United States government is so wrong they have to destroy it by force.
I condemn anyone who tries to destroy the civil rights of another by force.

And I encourage everyone else in the activist and anti-Iraq war community to take, post, and share via email the following pledge:

"My opposition to the Iraq War does not translate into support for the violent actions of the insurgency. American soldiers did not create the war, and are not my enemy. Though I disagree with the war, these soldiers deserve and have my support. I will neither encourage nor tolerate any actions against them, and will refuse to work with any individual who does."

For a friend, a Good Times Post

Alright. A few things combined to make this post...first, a friend was a little down and I figured a decent post might help, and two, I was reminded by someone elsewhere about a guy I served with once, whose name was Braxtan. He was a wild and crazy guy, and had this obsession with film that wound up being catered to by everyone in the unit because it was just so damn funny and awesome.

Here's one of his films, about a captain everyone knew, kind of a parody of the commercial going around, but pretty awesome.

(A disclaimer: No, this guy is not in the IVAW, last time I checked, and to my knowledge, doesn't even know I am, since we haven't talked in over five years. Please don't hassle him.)




There's also one about Bush and Darth Vader, which I think is funny, if of course very old. However, I didn't find out about it until yesterday. The funniest ones are the Army ones, like "How CPT Z Stole Christmas" and the one about the Curse of the Army Ball. However, Braxtan didn't upload them to youtube, so you have to settle for this.